Year: 2010

If you want your kid to behave like it’s auditioning for a fish finger advert refer to your dessert as a ‘Wonder Tartlet’, ‘Angel Pie’ or a ‘Sweet Delight’.

I can’t think of anything worse than drinking mead, getting naked with ugly hippies and chanting cobblers for Mother Nature’s pleasure on a cold winter’s day

Toys, most definitely, aren’t Us.

Does the male G-spot exist, and if it does, where can I find it?

o, in a bid to stop the rot I have been practising for a Christmas Day match that will inevitably result in tears, and Will Halliday, this is for you: at 3.30pm on December 25, 2010, you will be beaten… and the tears will be yours.

The DVD cover concludes: ‘… this is a time-traveller’s epic adventure into the joys of life, the sadness of death and a love that endures beyond time’, when it should read: ‘This is excrement, rent The Godfather instead.

Disgusting people celebrate ‘reading while sitting on the bog’ when, let’s face it, it’s wholly repugnant.

On the latest instalment of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here Gillian McKeith fainted at the prospect of another bushtucker trial. I find this scarcely believable. This is a woman who spends of a lot of her time prodding other people’s shit.

While it was clear he was found wanting as a communicator, there was no denying his abilities in the arena of violence and self-defence and that alone proved attractive.

This expression is used to promote acts as unique, but is the sound of Michael Bublé unmistakable? Not really, he’s just another ruddy modern-day jazz act with an array of underwhelming tunes that sound nice when Toby and Vanessa come round for fajitas. Then there’s the ‘unmistakable’ sound of Paulo Nutini, who sounds pretty much like James Morrison, James Blunt and anyone else called James who plays guitar. What about Newton Faulkner then? Well, he’s just hairier version of Damien Rice with tunes of such outstanding mediocrity and blandness that only a contract with Schindler’s lifts can fully understand. What is…