Year: 2011

If you believed every story about the demon mobile your only method of remote communication would be through a couple of coke cans and a length of string.

Why’s a funsize Mars bar fun? Pound for pound it’s overpriced and it’s not as much fun as gorging yourself on a normal sized Mars bar. It’s a small Mars bar, no more, no less.

This advertising slogan surely is an answer to the wrong question. Exactly how much do you think you’re worth?

Experts like Robert Peston from BBC Radio 5 Live tell us on an almost hourly basis that the market is suffering become somebody called Ahmed in Almenia found a stag beetle in his underpants, or that the FTSE ‘rallied’ today because Bert from the fruit stall in Bermondsey found a fiver down the side of his sofa.

The kebab really is the epitome of healthy eating.

Aussies cite the surf as a major attraction but who wants to be a Great White’s mid-morning snack or the find themselves on the receiving end of a jellyfish that’ll turn your testicles in basketballs?

This is not in any way fun. Do something else. Buy a Rubik’s Cube, phone someone up, get your fillings done, take up golf, get a goat. If you must, join chutney-making group, but for the holy love of God, do anything but play Sudoku.

It really isn’t a good sign when you realise that the mere sound of Ed Miliband is enough to make you want to shit in your car.

if you hear someone say ‘there are plenty more fish in the sea’ simply cite the level of fish stocks compared to those in the North Sea in 1970. That’ll shut ’em up.

Still, during my home improvement offensive I have learned something: I am on first name terms with Steve at B&Q (a UK home improvement store if you are from other shores) and I have also learned about the absolute bald, uncompromising lie that is Dulux’s so-called ‘One-Coat’ paint.