Year: 2011

Here’s what really happens. You’ll put in the mousse. After five minutes of ‘sculpting’ it’ll go all floppy on you again and you’ll look like every other person on the street with terrible hair.

If you have seen a donkey wearing an ill-fitting, shapeless coat with plastic on the shoulders, I’ll give you a million pounds.

If I were a Libyan national I would not have the freedom to say Gaddafi wets the bed and looks like an out-of-work Boney M lookalike

The voluptuous Vanessa Togher didn’t understand that principle and pointed out that she gleaned most satisfaction when she was alone in her room, stroking her cat. She used a different word at the end of that sentence and was perhaps intimating that she would like to pursue a similar career to that of Paul Jessup’s.

When you hear the words ‘no offence’ expect a litany of offensive statements designed to expose all your frailties.

It’s ok to feel this way and even if you are 81 with testicles that are able to pick up carpet dust, you’d be forgiven if you felt the need to sign up for the weekly legs, bums’n’tums classes at the local municipal gym.

Björk is mad, but that’s because she’s probably been tucking into Harkarl on a regular basis. This Icelandic delicacy is made from shark meat buried in the ground and topped off with manure. After six weeks of decomposition Harkarl farmers dig it up and sell it to normal people.

It’s vital that you do these preparations in time for Red Nose Day because if you do happen to tune into BBC1 on Saturday night, the writing of a short note to your loved ones preceded by a determined attempt to end your life will be the only real option available to you.

Last week celebrated chav/granny baiter Wayne Rooney scored a wonder goal for Manchester United and as such, prompted a debate (at least in my head) about the greatest ever goal.

The phrase ‘Life Begins at 40’ is wholly offensive. Let’s take 40 for what it is: a starting block for old age and a training ground for belligerence, senility, impotence, incontinence and, ultimately, death.