Year: 2011

the real surprise, is the band’s origin. For years I, like many, assumed that this highly successful 70s pop trio was from America until somebody (I don’t know who) revealed that they came from Germany.

And what of Ireland’s history? Well, it’s best known for terrorism and the potato famine, which are hardly demonstrations of good fortune.

And don’t expect any level of intrigue during a full, uninterrupted viewing of Kane just the misery of knowing there are only a few things that are more dull: things like moving your index finger up and down a desk for 119 minutes and counting your nose for 119 minutes. In fact I’d rather file my own head for 119 minutes.

Then we were told that CFCs weren’t the problem but carbon dioxide was, so we went back to spray-on deodorant and started buying terribly ugly cars made by the Japanese. We soldiered on, half-filling our kettles, growing coriander in window boxes, turning off lights, fitting low-energy bulbs, farting in bags and walking a bit slower.

You are invited to put this husk-like tablet into your mouth and suck. Once your saliva has eroded the dusty surface you will enjoy the taste of aniseed-flavoured granite.

hen there’s the unfettered joy of checking under the carpet for rogue 20p bits, smelling your finger after a quick rummage down the underpants and making shark fins out of your hair while in the bath.

I saw my reflection in a hexagonal mirror located at the heart of the ride. Only Shrek has looked greener.

In my book, that’s pretty unforgivable, so on December 31st 2011 I’m going to find out where Jools lives and dump on his lawn.