You go round your friend’s house and as you walk in the hallway there is a dog the size of a zebra, foaming at the mouth and baring its teeth. It’s growling that most gut-wrenchingly scary growl that you know is a precursor to a savage attack.
Doc Martens boots
Not technically boots or even footwear, more foot/ankle/legwear that, in the initial stages, is something Guantanamo torture experts would have been pleased with. Putting on a brand-spanking new, rigid-as-a-dartboard 10-hole ‘Air Wear’ Dr Marten boot is like strapping a cast iron drainpipe to your leg; there is little resistance and, although it affords you the pleasure of leaning over at any angle – Michael Jackson smooth-criminal-style – it forces you to goosestep until the ‘running-in’ period of three months is over. You can, if you like, pummel the leather with a tent mallet, but that won’t help. Nor will a…
Caramelise
Caramelise is a posh way of saying something’s burnt. It’s the ultimate get-out for people who haven’t been paying attention when they’ve been cooking. Imagine your partner saying: ‘Here you are, darling – your toast has been perfectly caramelised to your liking.’ ‘No honeybun, you’ve bloody burnt it.’
Funfairs
This is a trades descriptions horror. It all looks very inviting. Pleasant, friendly people run fairground rides – you know this because they generally have ‘love’ tattooed on one knuckle. They have ‘hate’ tattooed on the other one, but let’s forget about that. Then there are the rides. They are fantastically safe and they’re also a hoot aren’t they? Let’s consider ‘the Waltzer’ for example. You sit in a nice chair that goes up and down and around and around. Then a very nice man – with tattoos – comes and spins you around some more. You may have paid…
Facebook friends
Sad people who spend far too much time behind their computers and can’t be bothered to go out, phone people up or interact in the usual fashion have plenty of Facebook ‘friends’. Usually these friends are people you might have met at a party and with whom you exchanged a few pleasantries. The idea, it seems, is to collect friends. ‘I’ve got 434 friends on Facebook, aren’t I popular?’ No, you’re dysfunctional. Your real friends are people that you go out with, see on a regular basis, share your trials and tribulations with, drink too much with, share a drink…
Women like a sense of humour
Yes they do, but they won’t go out with you if you look like you’ve been hit by a stray four-pronged pitchfork. Of course women like to be charmed and they like men to make them smile or even giggle in that girly giggly way that’s endearing in the first few months but monumentally irritating after a year. But that’s hugely optimistic. The fact is they’ll size you up, check out your arse, and if they don’t fancy you that, my friend, is it. There’ll be no face-sucking for you. A good sense of humour is secondary. Any claims that…
Modern Internal Combustion engines
Any internal combustion engine – regardless of how much frippery, new technology, and material should not be described as modern. This is a very archaic design that delivers power through a series of explosions. Once those explosions have taken place it pumps out noxious gases that if, controlled by sticking a hose from the exhaust pipe through to a window while you are in it, will kill you within half an hour. The internal combustion engine was invented in the 1800s and we are still using it. It replaced horses for goodness’ sake. To power internal combustion engines we use…