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It’s ok to feel this way and even if you are 81 with testicles that are able to pick up carpet dust, you’d be forgiven if you felt the need to sign up for the weekly legs, bums’n’tums classes at the local municipal gym.

Björk is mad, but that’s because she’s probably been tucking into Harkarl on a regular basis. This Icelandic delicacy is made from shark meat buried in the ground and topped off with manure. After six weeks of decomposition Harkarl farmers dig it up and sell it to normal people.

It’s vital that you do these preparations in time for Red Nose Day because if you do happen to tune into BBC1 on Saturday night, the writing of a short note to your loved ones preceded by a determined attempt to end your life will be the only real option available to you.

Last week celebrated chav/granny baiter Wayne Rooney scored a wonder goal for Manchester United and as such, prompted a debate (at least in my head) about the greatest ever goal.

The phrase ‘Life Begins at 40’ is wholly offensive. Let’s take 40 for what it is: a starting block for old age and a training ground for belligerence, senility, impotence, incontinence and, ultimately, death.

the real surprise, is the band’s origin. For years I, like many, assumed that this highly successful 70s pop trio was from America until somebody (I don’t know who) revealed that they came from Germany.

And what of Ireland’s history? Well, it’s best known for terrorism and the potato famine, which are hardly demonstrations of good fortune.

And don’t expect any level of intrigue during a full, uninterrupted viewing of Kane just the misery of knowing there are only a few things that are more dull: things like moving your index finger up and down a desk for 119 minutes and counting your nose for 119 minutes. In fact I’d rather file my own head for 119 minutes.

Then we were told that CFCs weren’t the problem but carbon dioxide was, so we went back to spray-on deodorant and started buying terribly ugly cars made by the Japanese. We soldiered on, half-filling our kettles, growing coriander in window boxes, turning off lights, fitting low-energy bulbs, farting in bags and walking a bit slower.

You are invited to put this husk-like tablet into your mouth and suck. Once your saliva has eroded the dusty surface you will enjoy the taste of aniseed-flavoured granite.